I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
