It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
