he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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