The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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