Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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