The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
