does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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