DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
