Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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