DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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