have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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