I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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