So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize