While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
