She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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