He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
