I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
