Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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