Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
