can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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