You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
