you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
