just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
