my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
