Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
