somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Randomize