If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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