Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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