Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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