i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
