I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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