Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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