Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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