I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
