We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
