he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
