2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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