Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize