I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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