Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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