I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
