i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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