her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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