I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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