my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
