I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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