My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
