she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
