I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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