There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
