You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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