Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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