dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
