the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
