I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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