apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
