Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
