I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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